Forward Ever!!

“We shall heal our wounds, collect our dead and continue fighting.”

Mao Zedong

The wounds..

They say that good things take time and patience is a virtue we really should practice. But they never really tell you what to do when you see others winning the race you have run so long. They do not tell you what it takes to rise up each time you fall.. This, my friends , is a thought on a race that refuses to end.

 

The dead..

I am a believer, and I pray because I serve a living God in heaven. So when I need guidance, I knock on heavens doors. My frustration with love is quite something and many times, I have presented the same to my God because, only He can give me the peace that surpasses all understanding. So when I met a guy I thought was it, I went to my Father in heaven. This guy tick so many boxes for me i.e

• He loved the Lord – And this  is different than just saying “He went to church”
• He did not have a female bestie!! Haven’t we suffered in the hands of such people!!
• He was not a loud person.. and because I am such a loud mouth, It made perfect sense (Or so I thought)
• We even had conversation

So I asked God to lead me on this one.. For four days straight, I asked God to show me signs of whether I should pursue or seat back. And God is faithful, He rewards they that diligently seek Him. So He answered my prayer in a very random fashion. The answer was loud and clear, “Just seat back!!” .. Not because the guy was wrong for me , No. Or because of any hidden traits that I needed to know. The guy was simply interested in someone else. How I found out was just funny and a bit heart wrenching. That was the death of my short pursuit.

The continuing fight (Aluta continua!!)..

So I went back to my Father in heaven, presented my cracked (Not broken) heart and asked Him to heal it. Asked Him to restore my soul. Asked Him to give me that patience I so desire. I know God will God will come through.

But until then , I will keep up in the fight, stay on track on the race and wait upon My God.. Because Such is life, and life must really go on.

Love is…….. simple

There are things in life that I hoped to have achieved by the time Im 30. I dare not mention them all but let me tell you the ones that stand out..

By the way, I am 12 months shy of the big three and my life, from how I look at it is in shambles…

I was supposed to be a homeowner. But where is the house or even the savings towards the same? At least I moved out of my folks home and that is something worth writing home about ?? No??

 

That Masters degree needed to have been done.. But undergrad was not a success story and that post graduate diploma is kicking my ass good.. But at least Im halfway done with the post graduate diploma and maybe just maybe that degree will come to pass.. Im not hopeful though but forward is the only way we can go.. Right?

 

Surely I should not be on the Ngong bound Matatu everyday. Isnt a car a necessity in Nairobi.. I have worked for more than 5 years. Why Im unable to afford a second hand Toyota beats me. And Ngong Road is not an interesting route to ply. It tests your patience to the core.

 

All the above are things I can live with. Im even making peace with the fact that I may never be self employed but let me tell you the one that pricks me the most.. I was supposed to be someones wife..

Let me tell you something about us Alpha females. We pretend and make the world think that a man does not complete us. We pretend that those questions of “When are you getting married??” Do not bother us..We act like the fling that refused to mature to something more was just a passing cloud. At almost 30, we dont care care anymore. We freely go for those blind dates and hook ups hoping that this time, he just might be a perfect fit.

But here is the thing, at age 30, they think that we are too picky. And they remind us that our eggs are about to rot. They tell us to lower our standards and Mr. Right may just be round the corner. But people, our standards are not ceiling high.. We just want to be loved and appreciated.

Just in case the universe is thinking of conspiring for my good, here is what I want.

•  I want someone to randomly buy me flowers
• I want to be given the spare key to someones house , just in case
• I want to go to Uhuru Park on a warm sunny afternoon and just enjoy the small water body and eat the substandard Ice cream from those park vendors
• I want someone to tell his boys that he cant go out tonight because he wants to hang out with his woman.
• I want someone to spare me the agony of figuring out how my new bed will get from the carpenters shed to my house.
• I want someone to ask me to accompany him to shaggz for those wierd functions that no millennial seems to understand.
• I want someone to come to house not for sex or any freaky business but just to chill and watch Tv as I read my African Novel or catch up on my house chores.
• I want someone to wait for me in Town as I come from evening class just because he wants to see me at the end of a long day.
• I want someone to call me at 2 Am when he cant sleep because of whatever is bothering his mind
• I want someone to love me because Love is simple… And so should life be

Surely is that too much to ask of Life?

And By the way, we are not complaining..

What’s Love got to do with it??

Tina Turner released this song in 1984 and boy wasn’t she right!!  Over three decades later, same question still lingers in so many of our minds. Especially because the month of love is lurking around the corners and every other person from high school is posting a baby bump or an engagement ring or even both of these on social Media.

Three decades is something I tell you… And Tina Turner will tell us why with lines from the song.

1. A second Hand emotion

So I really don’t know about you but I have this liking for second hand things.. Im the girl that will stop at Bus Station to see whats ‘new’. Im the girl who will pass by OLX to see who has an electronic they are disposing off. Let me not talk about Gikomba because that is another long story.

But when it comes to love, like every other hopeless romantic, I tend to believe I am getting it first hand… No used goods here.. No baggage brought down from past relationships.. I usually think that Im the first to enter un unconquered territory.. Up until I become the very same victim as all the stories I have heard. You know – The we were not compatible things, The you dont offer what I desire… That plus a whole lot of foolishness. Yet when it started I felt so much magic… And what’s love got to do with Magic??

2. Been Thinking about my own protection

People tend to tell the people they are in love or like with that they make them better people. I honestly don’t know what this statement means but Im pretty sure It almost sounds like that line up there… So you meet me, and I have something in me that you do not, and it works for you, and you ride on it for days, months or even years then one day you decide that you do not need the protection the something in me provided so you up and go??

Sigh – I used to make you a better person but what’s love got to do with making you a better person if once you become the better you courtesy of me , you up and go??

3. Sweet Old Fashioned Notion

There is something the golden oldies , who did not have cell phones as a way of life talk about when it comes to how they fell in love. That something does not exist any more at least for so many of us.

Before, it was a good thing to marry your baby mama but now it is a totally acceptable idea to have two or more baby mamas and still be a hero about it.

Before, it was a good thing to meet up and just talk but now, you can call a once a week meeting where you both stared at the gadget on you palms a date.

Before, it was sweet to sit at uhuru park and enjoy the cool afternoon by the tiny lake but now it seems so shady to do that.

So we call theirs old fashioned – yet for some reason it worked . The 30+ year marriages are proof of the same.

And we came in – The YOLO generation where things have to happen right now because we do not have time.

The thing called love became a sweet old fashioned notion and we got the fake version of it..

Sigh.. what’s love got to do with it??

4.Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

So because it all died somewhere along the way we have people in relationships who know nothing about each other. We have Children with no relationships with their parents. We have Children who do not even know their parents. heartbreaks are the order of every day.

Heartbreaks are rather funny. You can run mad because you had a nasty heartbreak (ask Dolly Parton ) but you rarely hear that someone ran mad because they were broke. So really, who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?? And really, what’s love got to do with messed up people?

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a believer – And I believe in love and the fact that I will fall in love one day!! And I’m pretty sure in His plans, God has love for me somewhere there..

But just think about it? What has love got to do with broken hearts, broken families, broken societies…

Its Possible to write different love stories you know…

What’s love got to do with it??

Such is life…. And let it not look like we are complaining!!

Read All About It

By Emeli Sande…..

You’ve got the words to change a nation
But you’re biting your tongue
You’ve spent a life time stuck in silence
Afraid you’ll say something wrong
If no one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song?

So come on, come on
Come on, come on

You’ve got a heart as loud as lions
So why let your voice be tamed?
Maybe we’re a little different
There’s no need to be ashamed
You’ve got the light to fight the shadows
So stop hiding it away

Come on, come on

I wanna sing, I wanna shout
I wanna scream ’til the words dry out
So put it in all of the papers,
I’m not afraid
They can read all about it
Read all about it, 

At night we’re waking up the neighbors
While we sing away the blues
Making sure that we’re remembered, yeah
Cause we all matter too
If the truth has been forbidden
Then we’re breaking all the rules

So come on, come on
Come on, come on,

Let’s get the TV and the radio
To play our tune again
It’s ’bout time we got some airplay of our version of events
There’s no need to be afraid
I will sing with you my friend

Come on, come on

I wanna sing, I wanna shout
I wanna scream ’til the words dry out
So put it in all of the papers,
I’m not afraid
They can read all about it
Read all about it, 

Yeah, we’re all wonderful, wonderful people
So when did we all get so fearful?
Now we’re finally finding our voices
So take a chance, come help me sing this
Yeah, we’re all wonderful, wonderful people
So when did we all get so fearful?
And now we’re finally finding our voices
Just take a chance, come help me sing this

I wanna sing, I wanna shout
I wanna scream ’til the words dry out
So put it in all of the papers,
I’m not afraid
They can read all about it
Read all about it,

I wanna sing, I wanna shout
I wanna scream ’til the words dry out
So put it in all of the papers,
I’m not afraid
They can read all about it
Read all about it, oh

Letter to my future love….. xoxo

Hey Handsome….. [Pushing it maybe??? 🙂 ]

So I’m supposed to start with some form of salutations or greetings but I’m scared i will start ranting about irrelevant things like the way it rains every afternoon in Kisii town, Or the way the pope might be visiting Kenya soon. Not to say that  those are irrelevant topics as such but they really wouldn’t bring out the greeting intended. Then I would try and cover  my awkward moment with something like volcanic eruptions and how the world is changing but this would just add on to the awkwardness.. OK, Let me stop because I’m sure by now you are wondering how my train of thought operates when all I’m supposed to be doing is finding out how you are.

Because I’m a total mess when I think of you, maybe I shouldn’t really express myself in form of a letter, but lets face it, if doing it written is as reckless as my paragraph up there, a one on one would include me falling down and probably breaking a bone or two or even three if you may. Then I will probably have to go to hospital and I don’t like hospitals because they reek of death… Let me stop ~ Here i go rumbling recklessly again. Clearly,I need to get my act together!!!

OK.. Telling Myself to breath in and out and gather my thoughts. So here is the deal. I think about you a lot. Too much to the extent that I have imagined our kids with your skin tone – because somehow people go all “awwwwww” over light babies than they do over babies with my skin tone.

I have gone to the extent of imagining how you will propose – down on one knee and all because this fairy tale has to happen. And on this day You will declare your never ending love for me because I have declared that you cannot survive without me. It goes without saying that the converse is true.

I am not about to describe our happily ever after here because I’d rather we wrote that bit together. Maybe then I wouldn’t be such a mess because you will not just be my imagination. You will be my real life story and my all.

So for now, I will sit still and watch you from afar. I will hold on to the daydreams that I hope will one day come true. I will not attempt to talk to you at all because , you know, – Rumble mess and all. I will patiently wait for you to notice me and make a move. But even if you don’t, I will have no option but to be at peace with that because, such is life, and I dare not complain of the same….

xoxo,

Hopeless Romantic  🙂

THE DOUBLE EDGED SWORD

He looked at the local dailies. Ten per cent growth since the last survey. ‘Good enough’ he thought. At least he wasn’t written off  the race. Elections were around the corner so he would be visiting his faithful voters this coming weekend. It would be important to change the big bucks to smaller notes, perhaps hundreds. Village people only need money for soap. This time he would promise them a tarmacked road all the way to the secondary school. Translation – His company would bid and get the tender, a prime mover would appear somewhere digging the earth. They did not need the end results. They only needed to see a bit of progress. His opponent had no chance.

She had become a shadow of her former self. The once bubbly and joyful girl was now a sad and lonely girl who kept to herself all the time. Maybe she was going through something – so they gave her time to heal from the unknown. Maybe she got so busy at work. Maybe she simply needed time out. So they let her be. They let get by. But the problem was, she never really seemed to recover from whatever they were assuming was the problem. When they asked, her reply was swift,” I am good.” Translation – She was wondering if she had made the right decisions in life. She was scared of what the future held. But she was not about to admit it.

His smiles had become plastic. His weight was very shifty. He had learned how to pull dissapearing acts.The face he put was not who he was inside. It took a while for someone to ask him how he was nowadays. His response, “Things are good.” Translation – I have a guy who supplies the hard stuff. I am super high.

She looked at him, Its easy to say that he looked like her great grandfather from her mother’s side. He was nothing like the father people knew. Its only natural that questions need to be asked. But she dismissed them. Her response was swift, ” Isn’t  a child allowed to inherit genes from his fore fathers. ” Translation – The truth is , he looks a bit like my husband’s campus roommate because he really is his son. But if my husband hasn’t noticed or questioned, who are you to question?

So one thing was said to mean another…. two ends to every story…. Two sides to every coin because in our hands we hold double edged swords…. Just wondering where to dagger next..

Such is Life…… And we are about to start complaining…

Of Burials and Cultures

If you come from where I come from (or from any of those communities in Kenya where football and politics are taken a bit too seriously), then this is definitely for you.. Maybe we can borrow a leaf or two or even the whole damn tree from our brothers and sisters from other communities.

“But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.

For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with Him.”

So says the good book in 1st Thessalonians. The dwelling point here is the ‘with hope’ bit. With hope….

So a good friend recently lost a loved one, and having suffered the same a few years ago, I fully understood the importance of having friends around you when you feel your heart is giving in. I travelled to the former Rift valley Province (Lets not get into the county bit for now) for the burial. It took this ceremony to make me realise I hadn’t really attended burial ceremonies that were not of my kinsman. Now,  I talk not of funeral Services majorly held in church. I mean the burial ceremony held up country. The very important African rite of passage – or if you may, beatification, in its own rite – but thats a story for another day.

If you come from where I come from, the quoted Bible text is for you. Not for our friends from the former Rift Valley Province. “Why??” You ask… Well your just about to find out.

So on our way to the homestead, where the late was to be laid to rest, we were not met by wailing crowds as is the norm where I come from. There was only a handful of people on the roadside who quietly watched as we passed by. No uprooting of bushes, no loud wails and screams from people who barely knew the deceased. Just people peacefully watching. I have never associated burials with silence so this was a pleasant surprise.

When we got to the homestead, there was no drunk man dancing off tune to some painfully loud vernacular music. Coming to think of it, why is there always a drunk man dancing somewhere near the casket where I come from?. The coffin was carried to the house silently. Not a site of some old granny struggling between her sobs and an own composition in honor of the deceased. No viewing of the late – till the next day, which by the way, was the burial day. If this was where I come from, the casket would be outside, and everyone coming would pass and view probably as they talked to the deceased. Yes, you cannot tell my kinsmen that the dead know nothing. Where I come from, the immediate family members of the female gender, that would be the mother or grandmother of the deceased would sit around the casket, but this was not the case here. Seated around the casket were men, who by the way did not seem old at all.

Of course, there was not much going on outside so we all got into the house. Dinner, if you may, was served by gentlemen as ladies sat quietly. This amazed me truly. I did not think this could happen anywhere on this side of the planet. Somebody get me a husband from this region. ‘Ninaomba Serikali.’

So there was no overnight vigil and the following day, anyone who cared to announce their arrival by wailing was quickly carried away. No wailing here.. just let your tears flow. No sounds..

At the end of it all, I was left wondering how mourning styles were different. How far we were from claiming that our cultures had long since died. How unique we all really are.

My friend, such is life…

And nobody is complaining.

What if we were to blame?

So I walk into the bar night after night. I’m the guy who closes down. Tim (The bar man) Knows me too well. He knows which cab to call and the exact location I should be dropped. He even clears my taxi bill because he knows I will sort him out at my next bar visit – Which by the way is the next night. When they branded me a “drunkard”, I objected . They just haven’t been around. I know people doing worse than me. I know people who sleep in ditches so please, “Give me a break”

Word on the street is that he was a prominent businessman. His name was a household at the stock exchange. The business dailies always recorded a thing or two or even more about him. So when I saw him at the upmarket restaurant quietly having his lunch, I decided to join him. Small talk here, small talk there and an exchange of phone numbers and yes, we dated. Never mind I knew about his wife and kids. So when they branded me a “home – wrecker”. I objected. They don’t know about his unhappy marriage. They don’t know what it feels like to be 34 and unmarried. They don’t know that what we have is special. He is even planning on taking me to meet his folks soon so please, “Give me a break”

He walked with promise into the institution of higher learning. He remembered his village mates all escorting him to the bus terminal on his way to the big City. He recalled his mother telling him to work hard and build a future. He looked in his wallet and smiled. Having so many notes or maybe bills was something he never thought he would have. His heart melted when he saw the text from the big guy. ‘The shipment was in’ .. So as he walked to the meeting point to collect his next big business deal, he contacted his usual customers – promising them  bigger and better deals this time. So when they branded him a “drug peddler”, he objected. They don’t know what its like to come from poverty. They don’t know what its like to fit into big shoes. Besides my sister no longer has school fees debts and my mother no longer worries about strong tea for supper . Its for a good cause so please, “Give me a break”

When his secretary had to leave town abruptly, it wasn’t as abrupt to him, just to the general public. He paid for her ticket . He ensured her bank account was well taken care of. She shouldn’t have a reason to come back to this town.The promise to reimburse when need arises rubber stamped the same. It wasn’t the fact that his secretary expected a child out of wedlock that bothered him.. No… It was the fact that the child was his. But good news travels fast. So a few years later, someone somewhere reported seeing a splitting image of him. One of the ladies in church who had been his client said she met his former secretary at her local supermarket. He brushed the thought away. She is meant to be out of town. But the rumors grew more and more so soon word was out that when he was an adulterer.. But he objected… “I have served as a faithful church officer since my youthful days. My children are the best behaved. My wife is nothing short of the Proverbs 31 woman!! Surely, I am a man of God.. And besides , we cannot be sure that I’m the only one she was sleeping with so please, Give me a break. ”

Well, a break is what we all want and a break is what we all get sooner or later..  Years down the line, a sad scene presents itself. He is in hospital on life support because his liver is giving in. Thank you endless nights at Tim’s bar.

At 46, she is yet to settle and yet to meet his parents. Wondering if she still has a chance at motherhood. Thank you dating Mr. Married man.

Mr. Big guy dumped him because he no longer brought in the big business – So he turned to a life of crime because the lifestyle standards he had set for himself were too high. He made it to the top of the police most wanted list. Thank you selfish ambition.

He looked at the news that evening and saw him. No doubt, that was his son – if the towering height and the perfected cheekbones were anything to go by. The whispers had stopped because the writing was clearly on the wall. His wife did not leave him but there was barely any communication in that marriage. He never ever admitted but nobody cared anymore. He still felt their stares when he walked around. Thank you extra marital affair.

Yes.. The break came!!! Not from society but from within. In the loneliness of late nights, In the quietness of thoughts , everyone wondered, “Did society warn me?” “Did they know my story?” “What If I was to blame for my current situation?”

As abnormal and as sad as all is,…. such is life!!!

And maybe someone should complain!!

When I grow up

So a teacher somewhere in some public school, or if your lucky, private school looks at her class of about 7, 8 or maybe even 9 year olds and asks the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” … Met by the choruses of Doctor, Lawyer, Police officer and even teacher… The teacher cant help but glow with pride… I mean, Who wouldnt.. He/She is inspiring a generation. A generation with a future so bright only big dreams are valid.

So yes, the inspired generation moves up to the next class and the next one the following year and soon they walk into the high schools we have around. This is where it all gets real. The would be Doctor just cannot make do of the biology class. The would be Lawyer is having problems expressing themselves during debate club sessions, And the would be police officer, Oh lets not even talk about him/her….

Well, the show must go on…. And so the big dreams must be chased , at all costs if we may add.. So we struggle through high school and find ourselves in University.. We don’t pursue excellence, just the minimum pass mark and “TAAA DAAA!!!!” a new generation is here.

So after months or even years of toiling and trying to make it, we realize we have actually grown up.. We realize that its not a show anymore and that the real deal is here… So lights off and curtains closed – We got bills to pay because the first pay slip made us realize we can actually move out of parents houses – Wrong choice by the way!!.. The government became a big beneficiary of our payslips.. The relatives in “shagz” are forever calling – Claiming “Umenyamaza huko Nairobi sana” .. Which basically means an M-pesa message would be such a good thing to them..

Well, we carry on and at the end of every month – the bank account balance is equivalent to the first digit on your cell phone number. One day your memory is jogged and you remember the lovely teacher who asked what you want to be when you grow up. Then you look around and quickly analyze your current situation and wonder, “Is this what I really wanted to be when I grow up?” And really, “What is this growing up anyway?”

But anyway, Such is Life……